I hate complaining on blogs, even on personal journal blogs, even complaining in general really, and I will probably delete this out of disgust sooner or later, but right now I feel like a little rambling list of annoyances.
I have been all loose and ragged nerves for the past month, not really a good start to the summer at all; first I had to take a few weeks of awful prep work up in highland park when I ran out of money, and then I banged up my car in an accident, and finally my computer hard drive exploded taking all my music with it along with other things including all my independent film shorts. (so low-points of the month: climbing up and down the side of an elevator shaft using the elevator hardware as a ladder with a painty roller in one hand, standing in a parking lot with cops while I taped the front of my car together, and trying for an entire night to resuscitate a sputtering 350 gigabyte harddrive). Things should be good right now... my dad is visiting, we are working together on a decorative painting job, we are biking to work. I had a couple little decorative jobs for my highland park contractor that went really well, And yet I am nothing but emotionally drained and empty.
Part of it is probably just the lingering aftershock of losing a longterm relationship, and part of it is just the same money problems that are always rattling around in my subconscious. The thing is that I am usually very good at emotional damage control... I am an extremely positive and happy person. I don't feel like myself, and I think I have been expending all my mental energy trying to reach my usual equilibrium. I meditate, and read, and write lists of all the reasons I should be happy and excited for the summer.
But, as is always true in life, things could be much worse.... today I biked the shoreline from lincoln park to China town, and bought some wonderful imported green tea from a specialty tea shop. I had a stirfry with quinoa flavored with sesame oil and raw butter. Yesterday my dad and I picked up and repaired some wooden chairs he spotted in an alley. Our job is going well and next Saturday I get to spend a short weekend in Michigan. I will get over this little pitfall, I just hope I do in time to genuinely enjoy some of the summer.
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It's nice to hear you being honest about the good and the bad aspects about your current life. Optimism and happiness all of the time isn't realistic, and it also doesn't have as much meaning unless it's in comparison to the harder more difficult times.
ReplyDeleteThere's always a big hug waiting for you from me whenever you need it.